People are hungry for honest conversations about death: Dr Lucy Kalanithi

Neurosurgeon and writer Dr Paul Kalanithi’s essays about coping with lung cancer were widely read and shared by those seeking answers to questions about death. After the 37-year-old Stanford University doctor succumbed to the disease in March 2015, his wife Dr Lucy Kalanithi saw his book — which by the end, he wrote with gloves on because his hands were sore — through to publication.‘When Breath Becomes Air’, the moving account of Paul’s dying days, has become a bestseller. One book reviewer points out that the memoir is not about dying at all but about life and how to live it. Lucy Kalanithi, 36, talks to R Edwin Sudhir about Paul’s legacy:
Paul Kalanithi’s writing resonates with people across nations and cultures, offering hope amid pain. Have they shared with you what they’ve taken away from the book and his articles?
The readers’ response to his writing has been really great and it was very gratifying. They were able to relate to a doctor’s reflections on the meaning of life and death and everything in between, as well as about coping with a terminal illness, and of love too.
For instance, a man in the US who was terminally ill wrote in to say he felt less alone after he read Paul’s essays. In his book, Paul wrote about how life is not only about avoiding suffering but creating meaning. And that struck a chord with many people.
What would you consider to be Paul’s biggest legacy?
It would probably be some years before his legacy can be really understood or even gauged, but for the moment it’s about being less afraid to talk about death.
With ‘Being Mortal’ (by Dr Atul Gawande) and now ‘When Breath Becomes Air’ addressing death and dying, more people are taking a hard look at their options when it comes to the last days of their lives. Is this the beginning of a major change in the way we perceive death?
I hope so. In the United States, I’ve observed that we are at a point in history at which we have a lot of medical technology and we’re developing wisdom about when to use it and when to pull back. Illness and death have become hidden, but they are ubiquitous and part and parcel of the human condition. The huge response to Gawande’s book and Paul’s book demonstrate how hungry people are for real conversations about illness and death. In the end, dying is not a medical process. It’s something that happens to all of us, and we all have the opportunity to help each other live and die well, particularly by speaking honestly about death and truly facing it together.
Did his religious beliefs help him come to terms with the illness? Or, did his training as a doctor enable him to see it clinically?
A bit of both, actually. As a scientist and a neurosurgeon, he was trained to be clinical about illness and this perhaps helped him view his own cancer in a very dispassionate manner. As a deeply religious person (he may have become a pastor if he hadn’t trained to be a doctor), his faith helped him cope with the illness to some extent. At times, he’d say poetry and words helped him better in dealing with the disease.
Paul’s father and mother were from Tamil Nadu and Andhra Pradesh respectively. They moved to the US in 1970, seven years before Paul was born. How deep was his connection with India?
It was a big part of his upbringing and family life and his regular visits to India were indicative of this. He always cherished the richness of Indian traditions and the strong family values that are an intrinsic part of Indian life. He was very close to his grandmother in India. His love for India was manifested in family get-togethers. For instance, during Thanksgiving, there would be roast turkey and potatoes but there would also be a vast South Indian feast.
He believed his parents taught him to value education, not just as a means to achievement but for the love of learning. He was born in the US to Indian parents and his Indianness was interwoven into his very being. And for his family, I’m more like a daughter than a daughter-in-law and I believe that speaks a lot about their values.
It’s almost a year since Paul passed away.
Has seeing the book through to publication helped you cope with the loss and find a way to keep his memory alive?
Yes, absolutely. It’s been a real gift. I love Paul and I am so proud of him. Working on shepherding his book forward has been very meaningful and helpful to me emotionally, and it’s a prized possession for me to save for our daughter Cady.